


Mourning

by Gothic_Fairy



Category: Naruto
Genre: Asuma's Death, Asuma's funeral - Mentioned, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Kiss, Grief/Mourning, Minor Character Death, Repressed Grief, Sadness, Team 10, Team Asuma - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-02 05:56:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10211045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gothic_Fairy/pseuds/Gothic_Fairy
Summary: Things weren't easy for Shikamaru after Asuma's unexpected death. Hell, they weren't easy for anyone from Team 10 or for Kurenai-sensei as well. But for Shikamaru especially. He felt like nothing mattered anymore, like there was no point in live when you're constantly surrounded by loss. He knew it was wrong to simply run away from his feelings, but he couldn't bring himself to go back. To mourn, to cry. He way empty. But in the end there has one person who he wished to see through this. The only one who he believed could understand. Even if she called him a Crybaby again.





	

Today, the sky has been especially beautiful. The last remains of sun shined through foggy edges of clouds, each one of them carrying a faint tint of the colors playing in the background. There wasn't so much as a single raindrop, which would destroy the beautiful symphony. Yet, Shikamaru wasn't able to see any of it.

He was sitting on a rooftop of a random building, watching clouds with blank eyes, unable to enjoy it as much as he used to. The sun was already setting and for a second he wondered how he even got there or how long he's been there. But after all, things like this happened to him quite often lately. He would wake up at dawn, leave the house before his parents had the chance to even get a glimpse of him and wander around the streets of Konoha, avoiding every familiar face that wanted to cross his path. And more often than not, he found himself lying somewhere and watching clouds. Or at least trying.

It wasn't that he didn't want to watch clouds anymore. He simply wasn't able to do it. His favorite thing in the world didn't fulfill him, calm him, make him feel better. As if the emptiness he felt within himself was reaching beyond the borders of his soul, painting everything in its darkness, drenching it in gloom.

But maybe it was his mind holding him back. It felt like every cloud carried a certain memory that wanted to sneak into his consciousness and make him remember, make him lose control.

He lost count of how many days has passed since Asuma's death. He didn't even go to his funeral, couldn't bring himself to do so. He knew that if he did go, he would have to face all those pained stares and shaky breaths. The useless words that were supposed to make him feel better and the unnecessary touches that just made him want to scream.

A part of him blamed himself for losing Asuma. A voice in his head kept yelling and shouting that it was all his fault. No one's but his. He should have done something, anything. Think about a strategy that would give them time for a escape, or a way to slow them down and then leave it to the reinforcements. But he haven't done a thing. He froze on the spot and let his Sensei get killed by some religious douche, he couldn't even remember the name of.

But another, stronger part of him, just didn't care anymore. There was a pit in his heart, a pit so big that it swallowed his whole self. Every feeling, every thought, every word, until there was nothing left but darkness. And in a way, it didn't bother him. All he had to do was make sure he didn't lose control. Keep the pit from spilling all of the hurtful emotions and simply lie down and watch clouds. Even when it wasn't the same as before.

"Shikamaru." A voice called from somewhere behind his head. Where was he again? Oh.. One look was enough to finally recognize the concrete under his body and the faces of former Hokages shielding a part of his vision. It was the building of Hokage's office and therefore the person calling his name was probably Hokage herself. And though his mind made it clear that he should get up and greet her according to proper manners, he stayed still.

Suddenly, there were footsteps approaching and a warm hand on his shoulder. Only then did he realize he was shaking with cold. After what felt like eternity, he looked towards the person hovering over him and saw a familiar pair of strict eyes, now filled with concern and care. The Hokage was crouching beside him and watching as he got up to his feet, never meeting her eyes again. Instead he looked at the sky once more. It has already become dark and there were the first stars shining in the cold night.

"Come." The Hokage spoke up and started walking towards the ledge of the roof. There she waited for Shikamaru to stand by her side and even then she haven't spoken a single word. She wanted to make him the first one to say something. And so they watched the moon as if the heavy atmosphere around them was nothing at all.

"You haven't been coming home much lately, were you?" She finally gave up with a sigh. "Watching the sky until late at night, then sneaking inside the house, but leaving only a few hours later. Your parents had told me everything." As if he didn't know.

"You haven't joined anyone for a mission either. I understand your current state, as well as the state of your comrades from the Team-Asuma, but I wanted to tell you that you cannot hide forever. I'm sure you realize that everyone's hurting too. You're not one of those who would ignore the pain of others in order to pity themselves. But.."

"I need to go." Shikamaru interrupted her speech. At any time than this, he wouldn't have done such a rude thing, he wasn't Naruto after all, but he couldn't stand to listen what she had to say. He might lose control if he did. And so he said the first thing that came to his mind. It was unlike him to make mindless decisions out of the blue, but it felt right. He needed time. He needed space. He wasn't able to sort thing out here so maybe a journey would take his mind off of the things currently happening, or rather not happening, in his life.

"Where?" She asked without hesitation. She knew what he meant by going. By leaving, for a while.

'I don't know.' is what he wanted to say. He really didn't have the slightest idea. But, suddenly, something appeared in front of his eyes. A face. Blond hair tied in four bundles, green eyes and a sharp tongue. 'Troublesome' was the first thing that came to his mind. And somehow he knew that yes, perhaps that's the place where he would find what he was lacking. 

"Suna." He declared before his mind had the chance to process everything and change it to something else. "I'll send them a message before I leave so they can expect my arrival." Even as he said those words out loud he knew they were a lie. And he was sure Hokage knew as well. But this wasn't an official meeting nor a visit form a allied village. It was personal, seemingly without any particular reason. 

"I'll leave it to you then." She said and looked deep into his eyes one more time. He wasn't sure what she was looking for but soon she turned her face away and without any more words disappeared inside the building. He was all alone again. But this time it wasn't a blind silence accompanying his mind, but a goal. After days of senseless wandering he found something to hold on to. Even if it was all foggy and dizzy in his head. 

He knew this wasn't a way to solve his problems. More than anyone else, he realized he was just running away from the inevitable. But he couldn't care less. Just the thought has made a shift inside of himself and he wasn't going to simply stand back and watch it melt away. 

After a few more minutes of stargazing he went home to grab some things before leaving. His parents were already asleep, as expected. 

~~~

It usually took three days for a shinobi to get to Suna. But that time included at least a few breaks for eating and a short nap, which Shikamaru considered useless, since he wasn't able to get any sleep anyway. On the end of the second day, he already reached the desert surrounding Sunagakure. It was only a walk from there.

It wasn't hard for him to find the Kazekage's residence, even Temari herself told him that in case of a emergency she could be found there. There was no stopping now. 

Shikamaru walked the stairs leading to the front door and only then did he hesitate. He wasn't so sure now that it had been a good idea. It was a middle of the night and he was standing in front of a Kage's house absolutely disheveled and broken about to visit his sister. He himself wouldn't let him in. 

But as he was turning on his heel there was a sudden creaking sound of door opening. And there she was. Silky blond hair that didn't even reach her shoulders, deep ocean green eyes scanning him with a suspicious look. She was wearing a dark brown kimono, tied around her waist and he could clearly make out the twitch of her eyebrows as she frowned.

"Shikamaru? What are you doing here?" When her voice reached his ears, it was as if his heart woke up for the first time since the day of Asuma's death. It wasn't in any terms soft or sheepish, more of calm and commanding, but never too harsh. It was everything he ever wished for. 

"Shikamaru!" She called once again after seeing his lack of response. She reached out with her hand, placing it gently on his forearm, a worry in her eyes. "Did something happen in Konoha? Is there an emergency?" 

Her words were ringing through his head as he was led inside. 

"No. There's.. there's no emergency.. " He managed to stutter after a while. It was as if the exhaustion he was ignoring all the way to Suna had collapsed on his shoulders and he could barely keep himself upright. 

"If nothing happened to Konoha, then why are you here? You look awful. Don't tell me you've been running the whole way?" He could clearly make out her concern but it was the unexpected touch that caused his control to shake. The tender hand resting on his cheek and tilting his head.

He fell apart. 

"He's dead." A numb voice spoke up. "Asuma.. Asuma's dead." He repeated and there was a sudden weakness in his bones. His body started trembling and it was as if a switch was turned of. He gritted his teeth as his breath quickened up and there were tears swelling in his eyes. 

In a matter of seconds, Temari understood. 

She reached out again but this time she brought him closer. The hand on the nape of his neck made him take a step towards her, slouching as he pressed his face into the warmth of her neck and shakily wrapped his arms around her waist. He could hear the sobs and animal like screams bubbling in his lungs as hot tears streamed down onto the fabric of the kimono. 

There was no control anymore. No barriers, no holding back. He was so broken he felt his hearth would give up any time now. It would shatter into million pieces, each one of then stabbing him from the inside until there was nothing but pain filling his mind and soul. If only that didn't happen a long time ago. 

But this time there was something else besides the sorrow running through his veins. A pair of firm hands holding him together. Making sure not a single part of his soul got lost. So he could put himself back into one piece again. So she could put him into one piece again. 

And in that moment it was all that mattered. That she was there and wouldn't leave him in the darkness alone. She would keep him alive.

~~~

At some point Temari must have moved them to another room. They were lying on a duvet, his face was still buried in her shoulder, his hands desperately holding her as close as he could. Maybe if he held her long enough her light would shine through the darkness of his mind and he would be free again.

It was a while since the tears stopped falling, but he kept his eyes closed, bathing in the smell of her skin. She must have untied his hair since there were fingers tangled in them, stroking. She was humming a soft melody, a lullaby most likely. Ever before he'd think that her voice wasn't one to sing but in that moment it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

He knew, he should have said something a long time ago. It wasn't fair from him to keep wanting her comfort, her arms, but he couldn't make himself move. Instead he brought her even closer.

Both of them were dozing in and out of sleep, shifting, but never quite letting go of each other. That's why it didn't surprise Shikamaru when a soft light coming from the window woke him up from another empty dream.

She was awake as well. He could tell by her breathing, by the steady beat of her heart right next to his own. Still, he hasn’t said a thing. And neither did she. They just simply lifted their heads a bit and looked at each other for a long time.

"Slept well?" In the end it was her who spoke up first as her hand rested against his cheekbone. What amazed him, was the half smile that appeared on his lips. It was too long ago, he almost didn't even recognize that feeling.

He wanted to reply, to thank her for everything, but only two words came out of his mouth.

"I'm sorry." 

"For what?" She asked with a raised eyebrow. "For being hurt?"

"For everything. For coming here unannounced, for burdening you, for.."

"There's nothing to apologize for. I know the feeling. I lost a loved one too. More than once. When Gaara was born, I was still just a stupid kid, who didn't understand anything. I only knew that my mom wasn't there anymore and I'd never see her again. I was raised to look after everyone around me, especially family. And even when my father wanted to kill Gaara I looked after him as well. My brothers were the reason I lived, they still are. And I'm sure there are people like that in your life too. The ones that need you, the ones it's worth living for. Remember that."

__'__ _ _She__ _ _'__ _ _s right__ _ _'__  he thought. There were people who would need and miss him if he closed on himself completely. If not anyone else than at least the child Kurenai carried under her heart. He promised Asuma he'd take care of the both of them. He wanted to take care of them.

He was about to say it aloud but instead his arm tightened around Temari, connecting their foreheads, a silent 'thank you' between their locked eyes. It felt pathetic that he had to go such a long way to figure out a simple thought that should've been his priority. But maybe it wasn't about the journey nor the place, maybe it was exactly because of the person who reminded him of the things that truly mattered.

With that still on his mind, he leaned in closer and pressed their lips together for the first time. It would take time for him to go back to his life again but she would always be there if he got lost. And he would be there for her as well.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I hope you enjoyed it ^^. If your find a mistake feel free to message me. You can leave a comment or prompt as well and I'll try my best to answer it. Have a nice day.


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